He’s just in it for the meaning

Almost forgot today!

Ok had a bit to drink. And smoke. And didn’t sleep last night. All around, not a totally productive evening, I’m going to just go ahead and admit that.

Not productive at all.

But that being said I sort of deserve it. I have conquered my last (well half left) technical challenge. I also had a hilarious Spelling Bee misadventure proving once and for all I’m the funniest person on N. Mississippi with my hilarious and inciteful answers to ‘definition of giblits’ and ‘use turbury in a sentence’. So fuck you.

Anyway hung out with Katie, got high, watch Toy Story. I enjoyed myself.

I enjoy her, a couple of immediate takeaways

– it definitely pays to be on the offensive, ask probing / interesting questions. Katie likes to take the high ground, usually with a reflexive irony. Probing questions that make her explain herself put her on her heels, especially if there…

– her sentimental nature. Katie is relatively sentimental. The only problem is she tends to be fairly insular when talking about this. But she’s not on the attack / mocking. Ideally be able to get her in a sentimental position that isn’t as closed. Not sure what ground this would be, seemed pretty open and pretty engaged during the children discussion.

– Sex might also be a great ‘in’, given it’s pretty humorous and she seems pretty down. The problem is more me, I tend to be rather extreme or timid, a middle ground that isn’t 100% built on bad jokes is hard to find. Marianna might actually be a nice model, we flirt fairly sexually (not that it’s leading to anything) and explicitly but without crossing too many lines (maybe?).

I don’t believe Katie is aware of my innate horribleness, but also I might be very firmly ensconced in the friend zone. So it’s unclear.

Oh, fyi, I think the no confidence vote went through. So I’m officially done I guess? What a silly silly thing. I’ll have bouts of nervousness now and then but mostly I just feel like it’s ridiculous. And feel silly for my anxiety.

Marianna and I were talking about god and whether religion made us good. I suppose as the more I think about our relationship to the world as one that gives meaning, the more cavalier I’ve become. I mean after all someone’s feeling towards me, say Ryan or Phil, have meaning insofar as I give them meaning. If I decide their feelings are meaningless, kind of where I am now, then they’re nothing but meaningless chemical reactions that are evoking semi-meaningless and inconsequential actions on the other side of the planet (well, the east coast).

I mean it’d mater if one of them were holding some sort of lifeline or something, but ultimately we’re talking about neural configurations and small actions on the other side of the globe. Excuse my while I say fucking who cares.

Anyway. But I suppose while I wasn’t as an ardent of an atheist before, I definitely felt more ‘do good to others’ which I definitely don’t subscribe to now. But this is actually an interesting incite, it shows my obedience to that sentiment was more founded upon peer expectations and a communal value system (predicated partially on religion, mostly built on unified standards of quorum) than on religion. Granted, as I acknowledge, one can argue that communal system EXISTS because of religion, but this seems rather silly; why assume the codification of the rules preceded the creation of the system?

Wouldn’t you create rules of order to fit the system you’ve built?

My lawlessness, callousness, selfishness, has more to do with a rejection of the norm than a reflection of it. Now, a good question is whether I could have so easily strayed from these norms (and it’s worth noting by ‘stray from these norms’ we’re talking about basically ignoring people I don’t want to talk to, possibly worth mention the recent shirking or prophylactics as an added sin). We’re talking about slight norm alteration, but it’s unclear what I’d do as a “christian” in some alternate universe.

Would I not sneak off? Would I have built 100% in Salsa. Would I have not strayed?

<strikethrough>Sometimes I miss her and these conversations. Mostly </strike>

fucking shit that was dunb. I’m getting tired, eyelids literally druping. Long day tomorrow and I shouldn’t pretend it’s going to be easy o I have time. And it mattes because I give it meaning, because that’s what makes it worth it. That’s why you do it I suppose, the low pay. Because of the meaning.


About smokemyballs

So this is my manifesto, this is my etre. Tear down your reason, tear down our meaning. We are constrained by one thing my friends and one thing only and that is physics. Everything else is the margins. And eventually we'll come to the end of our t dimension but until then enjoy the x,y,z.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s