July 10th – A begging to an end

so I think I need to get back into this.

Reasons why include that I’m starting to find instability stability in my life. Or to put it another way, I think I want to lose it. Totally, nuts, lose it. Unhinged. Perhaps I’m there anyway, but I guess I feel like there’s very little to lose.

I’m beginning to become more and more and more convinced there’s nothing or very little to lose. And by to lose I mean there’s not much at stake. What’s at stake? My reputation? My future? What?

I guess I don’t really care about my future or about regret or about anything. ANYTHING. Or it’s not that I don’t care it’s that there’s very little risk or at risk or value? It’s unclear.

But let me put it this way, I guess previously, in my life, I saw myself and then I saw the world. And I saw myself acting to the world and shaping the world and ultimately somehow taking responsibility for the world. Someone shaping or somehow eliciting or somehow effecting the world.

To put it in a force diagram ME = > WORLD.

BUT NO

That’s not how it is at all. Actually. I’m in a much more eastern, much more World focused type of view. I’m starting to see and really appreciated how much I am just IN the world.

OR

WORLD (ME)

And see, there’s obviously a finite time of that. And yes, I could spend that time in all sorts of pursuits. You know, ACTING On the world.

ME >= FIX = > WORLD

OR ME => THINGS

OR ME => OFFSPRING

OR all these things.

BUT BUT BUT that really doesn’t encompass my joy, my chi, my vocation, which, and I’m seeing this more and more, is to wonder.

To put it another way I LOVE WORLD(ME). I love to be inside of the world! To explore it’s cracks and it’s crannies.

I WANT WORLD => ME.

I WANT THAT.

And does anything else matter? Do other people matter?

Well in Me => World yes, yes they do, because to => you need help, you need others to agree (through love of you or your idea or through coercion i.e. fear of you or your idea). That’s how change works, i’m not a wizard or a god or a demi god or a demi glase. One can’t snap their fingers and do things.

And it makes sense why I have these fantasies about doing that, about flexing and the Matrix bending around me. BUT THAT’S NOT THE WAY IT WORKS.

My 210 lbs of carbon and assorted elements * isn’t built to do that. And I guess one can aspire and coerce and seduce and someday be Barack Obama or Theodore Roosevelt and accomplish good things and win the meddles and everything. But the world doesn’t change man, it doesn’t. I mean it does a bit, it does on the margins, and don’t get me wrong the margins matter.

BUT THE WORLD IS SO HUGE AND IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL AND MARVELOUS.

And bygum I know this is 100% my white male priveleage talking and if I was some subsistent farmer is sub sarahan africa I couldn’t be sitting my undies in a house my parents bought writing on the internet about how I want to just BE and how nothings matters, but FUCK I’M not and soo I’m supposed to pretend that I am or that I’m constrained by what Sub Sarahan Subsistent Farmer Scott would be thinking and doing right now? I mean FUCK man?

You think these guys, these Me => World guys are out there tiptoeing and thinking “Jeeze my privelage really is a burden” FUCK NO. But maybe they want their => to make the world better, you know, give subsarahansusistentasshole his shot, his undies and internet and house.

BUt really, i mean really, let’s not kid ourselves right, let’s not kid ourselves that the persistent structural and technical and cultural and everythingelical problems are going to be fixed by =>. I mean come on, really? So that’s a form of solipsism a bit, isn’t it? It’s selfish in a nasty good feel good about yourself type of way.

And I mean cause => doesn’t fix it (although again, the margins, which matter, but still, not enough to change all the everythingelical problems) isn’t it juts about sleeping well at night? Or maybe it’s just about the Margins!

AND if it’s just about the margins, and if it’s just about the margins, then WHY CAN’T I WORLD(ME) and worry about the margins!!>!@#

Whay cant’ I?

So this is my manifesto, this is my etre. Tear down your reason, tear down our meaning. We are constrained by one thing my friends and one thing only and that is physics. Everything else is the margins. And eventually we’ll come to the end of our t dimension but until then enjoy the x,y,z.

* oh jesus really? is it 8th grade again? i’m making chemistry references. please stop me

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About smokemyballs

So this is my manifesto, this is my etre. Tear down your reason, tear down our meaning. We are constrained by one thing my friends and one thing only and that is physics. Everything else is the margins. And eventually we'll come to the end of our t dimension but until then enjoy the x,y,z.
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