I’m considering the time and how it shortens and elongates.
Or, better put, I’m considering how I haven’t written in a while. What’s happened?
Hmm I’ve been sad? Yes. Sad sad sad. Sad and Mad. I think the best way, after being asked, the best and honest way, which I can’t necessarily answer depending on the questioner (be it Enry or Ollie or Lizabeth) be this:
I was in love once. I’m not anymore. Occasionally I regret not being in love, in losing my love. During these times I am sad. I am not, well I am sometimes, but mostly I am not sad for the particulars of my lost love.
Rather, I am sad for the loss of love itself as an object or rather as an action. The act of loving, I do miss it. Which is funny because most of the actions so associated with love (intimacy, giving up something for someone else, trust) are things I don’t actively enjoy too much. I felt smothered last night as Lizabeth tried to snuggle me. I felt claustrophobic. I wanted to leave and take a cab.
And most telling of all I didn’t want to explain this to her. I didn’t want to work ‘work through it’ or go into my feelings and come to some sort of resolution. It felt not only fruitless but tedious and unnecessary. Work through this, but why? I can easily ignore you if need be. Although it’s slightly more delicate with her.
I have tried to explain this to Arianna, I don’t like to modify my schedule for other people. Not that it’s terribly complicated or intricate, but I don’t like asking permission. I just like doing, and doing whatever I please. Often the trick is isolating what, exactly, I please.
Anyway. Not sure if I’ve got 750 in here tonight. Some of the things I’m thinking about right now:
– My knees, can the withstand the training.
– If she ever thinks about me and, if so, what does she think. What triggers it. Does it taste at all like regret.
– If the cute girl in the coffee shop was flirting with me and how I should have flirted back.
– Why the fuck does David Ducovney in Californication get to have so much sex? I know it’s fake but givemeafuckingbreak that’s not cool.
– Where to find some affordable and usable cigars. Jeeze I should just order these online and get a fucking humidor.
– When Mitchell is going to call / not call. Where he’d like to get drinks.
– Why my battery sucks.
– What I need to actually get my room in working order.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm porn. Ok.
I’m glad I’m not dating Ollie. But ok, let’s think. I need to start putting together goals again. I’ve fallen off that unfortunately.
Hmm ok. Yes yes yes.
God I’m not done yet?
I need a desk. And I’m downloading soldiering books. Great. Great great great.
Ok brain dump on some goals for the end of the year:
– Doing really well on music, seen a good amount. Counting kind of lackadaisically, but, well, it counts right? I think I’m going to hit my 6 no problem.
– Doing ok buying new cds.
– Feel really good about Hood. Bet I could get another mountain in by the end of summer. Ooh good idea, I should look at my schedule and find free weekends. I’ll do that after this.
– Other goals, Group stuff is zilch.
– Calling Ollie – Feel like I’m ok with this one not being great.
– Connecting with siblings feels like it’s pretty good.
– Freelance stuff has slowed down but that’s ok.
– I think I need to get the therapist working or something. Maybe some sort of support group? I’m pretty sure I’ve got some sort of manic depressive disorder. I’m able to catch and correct ok on this, usually something slips (in this case the group stufF) but I can recover ok.
– Not calling Teph, yeh did pretty good on that. So far so good, I think it’s been a long long time.
I need a damn desk in this room.
– Saving money: doing ok, really dependent on my ability to make money. I mean some more freelance work would be good.
Wish I was reading more. Wish I was fucking more women. Wish I could see a path to love that made sense. All sorts of wishes, all sorts of wishes.