All sorts of wishes, all sorts

I’m considering the time and how it shortens and elongates.

Or, better put, I’m considering how I haven’t written in a while. What’s happened?

Hmm I’ve been sad? Yes. Sad sad sad. Sad and Mad. I think the best way, after being asked, the best and honest way, which I can’t necessarily answer depending on the questioner (be it Enry or Ollie or Lizabeth) be this:

I was in love once. I’m not anymore. Occasionally I regret not being in love, in losing my love. During these times I am sad. I am not, well I am sometimes, but mostly I am not sad for the particulars of my lost love.

Rather, I am sad for the loss of love itself as an object or rather as an action. The act of loving, I do miss it. Which is funny because most of the actions so associated with love (intimacy, giving up something for someone else, trust) are things I don’t actively enjoy too much. I felt smothered last night as Lizabeth tried to snuggle me. I felt claustrophobic. I wanted to leave and take a cab.

And most telling of all I didn’t want to explain this to her. I didn’t want to work ‘work through it’ or go into my feelings and come to some sort of resolution. It felt not only fruitless but tedious and unnecessary. Work through this, but why? I can easily ignore you if need be. Although it’s slightly more delicate with her.

I have tried to explain this to Arianna, I don’t like to modify my schedule for other people. Not that it’s terribly complicated or intricate, but I don’t like asking permission. I just like doing, and doing whatever I please. Often the trick is isolating what, exactly, I please.

Anyway. Not sure if I’ve got 750 in here tonight. Some of the things I’m thinking about right now:

– My knees, can the withstand the training.

– If she ever thinks about me and, if so, what does she think. What triggers it. Does it taste at all like regret.

– If the cute girl in the coffee shop was flirting with me and how I should have flirted back.

– Why the fuck does David Ducovney in Californication get to have so much sex? I know it’s fake but givemeafuckingbreak that’s not cool.

– Where to find some affordable and usable cigars. Jeeze I should just order these online and get a fucking humidor.

– When Mitchell is going to call / not call. Where he’d like to get drinks.

– Why my battery sucks.

– What I need to actually get my room in working order.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm porn. Ok.

I’m glad I’m not dating Ollie. But ok, let’s think. I need to start putting together goals again. I’ve fallen off that unfortunately.

Hmm ok. Yes yes yes.

God I’m not done yet?

I need a desk. And I’m downloading soldiering books. Great. Great great great.

Ok brain dump on some goals for the end of the year:

– Doing really well on music, seen a good amount. Counting kind of lackadaisically, but, well, it counts right? I think I’m going to hit my 6 no problem.

– Doing ok buying new cds.

– Feel really good about Hood. Bet I could get another mountain in by the end of summer. Ooh good idea, I should look at my schedule and find free weekends. I’ll do that after this.

– Other goals, Group stuff is zilch.

– Calling Ollie – Feel like I’m ok with this one not being great.

– Connecting with siblings feels like it’s pretty good.

– Freelance stuff has slowed down but that’s ok.

– I think I need to get the therapist working or something. Maybe some sort of support group? I’m pretty sure I’ve got some sort of manic depressive disorder. I’m able to catch and correct ok on this, usually something slips (in this case the group stufF) but I can recover ok.

– Not calling Teph, yeh did pretty good on that. So far so good, I think it’s been a long long time.

I need a damn desk in this room.

– Saving money: doing ok, really dependent on my ability to make money. I mean some more freelance work would be good.

Wish I was reading more. Wish I was fucking more women. Wish I could see a path to love that made sense. All sorts of wishes, all sorts of wishes.

Advertisements
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

He’s just in it for the meaning

Almost forgot today!

Ok had a bit to drink. And smoke. And didn’t sleep last night. All around, not a totally productive evening, I’m going to just go ahead and admit that.

Not productive at all.

But that being said I sort of deserve it. I have conquered my last (well half left) technical challenge. I also had a hilarious Spelling Bee misadventure proving once and for all I’m the funniest person on N. Mississippi with my hilarious and inciteful answers to ‘definition of giblits’ and ‘use turbury in a sentence’. So fuck you.

Anyway hung out with Katie, got high, watch Toy Story. I enjoyed myself.

I enjoy her, a couple of immediate takeaways

– it definitely pays to be on the offensive, ask probing / interesting questions. Katie likes to take the high ground, usually with a reflexive irony. Probing questions that make her explain herself put her on her heels, especially if there…

– her sentimental nature. Katie is relatively sentimental. The only problem is she tends to be fairly insular when talking about this. But she’s not on the attack / mocking. Ideally be able to get her in a sentimental position that isn’t as closed. Not sure what ground this would be, seemed pretty open and pretty engaged during the children discussion.

– Sex might also be a great ‘in’, given it’s pretty humorous and she seems pretty down. The problem is more me, I tend to be rather extreme or timid, a middle ground that isn’t 100% built on bad jokes is hard to find. Marianna might actually be a nice model, we flirt fairly sexually (not that it’s leading to anything) and explicitly but without crossing too many lines (maybe?).

I don’t believe Katie is aware of my innate horribleness, but also I might be very firmly ensconced in the friend zone. So it’s unclear.

Oh, fyi, I think the no confidence vote went through. So I’m officially done I guess? What a silly silly thing. I’ll have bouts of nervousness now and then but mostly I just feel like it’s ridiculous. And feel silly for my anxiety.

Marianna and I were talking about god and whether religion made us good. I suppose as the more I think about our relationship to the world as one that gives meaning, the more cavalier I’ve become. I mean after all someone’s feeling towards me, say Ryan or Phil, have meaning insofar as I give them meaning. If I decide their feelings are meaningless, kind of where I am now, then they’re nothing but meaningless chemical reactions that are evoking semi-meaningless and inconsequential actions on the other side of the planet (well, the east coast).

I mean it’d mater if one of them were holding some sort of lifeline or something, but ultimately we’re talking about neural configurations and small actions on the other side of the globe. Excuse my while I say fucking who cares.

Anyway. But I suppose while I wasn’t as an ardent of an atheist before, I definitely felt more ‘do good to others’ which I definitely don’t subscribe to now. But this is actually an interesting incite, it shows my obedience to that sentiment was more founded upon peer expectations and a communal value system (predicated partially on religion, mostly built on unified standards of quorum) than on religion. Granted, as I acknowledge, one can argue that communal system EXISTS because of religion, but this seems rather silly; why assume the codification of the rules preceded the creation of the system?

Wouldn’t you create rules of order to fit the system you’ve built?

My lawlessness, callousness, selfishness, has more to do with a rejection of the norm than a reflection of it. Now, a good question is whether I could have so easily strayed from these norms (and it’s worth noting by ‘stray from these norms’ we’re talking about basically ignoring people I don’t want to talk to, possibly worth mention the recent shirking or prophylactics as an added sin). We’re talking about slight norm alteration, but it’s unclear what I’d do as a “christian” in some alternate universe.

Would I not sneak off? Would I have built 100% in Salsa. Would I have not strayed?

<strikethrough>Sometimes I miss her and these conversations. Mostly </strike>

fucking shit that was dunb. I’m getting tired, eyelids literally druping. Long day tomorrow and I shouldn’t pretend it’s going to be easy o I have time. And it mattes because I give it meaning, because that’s what makes it worth it. That’s why you do it I suppose, the low pay. Because of the meaning.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Mixing BSG with BS

Alright trying to do this two days in a row.

Alright.

So yesterday was pretty manic. Pretty scattered. I was reacting to the group really, and Ryan. I feel more or less the same about it, I feel more or less that the tactics are going to be familiar.

But lame.

I miss, well, not that I miss, but I more that I will regret. Will regret will miss wont have the DC connection or the new york connection.

I mean. Mitchell is watching Battlestar behind me.

SO Katie katie katie katie. She’s funny.

I’m not talking so much about insanity this time and me-> world and all that crap. I guess a longer day, less booze (speaking of which, I will get a beer after this, even though I’m going to work).

Anyway. Once a year. He celebrates his done marriage. Maybe I should be like that. I don’t think the cylons would take him back.

Katie Katie Katie. And this fleet isn’t exactly brimming with legal talent. Wasn’t your father an attorney on caprica?

I should text her. I SHOULD text her. “oh <scratchlastname>”. Oh <scratchlastname>. I’m known by it. Someone who really knows the difference between right and wrong.

Oh admiral, was wondering if I could stay on your ship for the rest of the day. Very difficult for me to say, I’m going to go to the gym. Prepare yourself. Inside of the shoe.

Katie katie katie. I’d like to have a bottle of wine with her. And actually, you know, actually penetrate that fog. Not sexually.

Back when you were just Bill, the father who wasn’t there, the husband that left, who is Bill Adama anyway. 41 days without a signing. Fear of the gods in em.

Distracted distracted distracted.

Let’s work out something meaningful here shant we?

Got the wirdest rash. Hope she was worth it buddy.

Gah keep cutting into dialog. I’ll need to get headphones to code.

<?php print_r($_POST); ?> 47 no 48 since our last contact. I’m going to make this really simple for you. One is the only number you need to remember. All it takes and suddenly the cylons are on top of us. That’s when people die.

O K here’s the plan here’s the plan here’s the plan. Proud stubborn and angry. Especially in the last few months. Don’t tell me tell him. He knows.

Ok so here’s the breakdown. I ignore till September, possibly further. Volunteer to help plan part of the dinner, do not attend, do not attend. Give money. Skids up in 10 minutes. I can hold out against <friendsortof> and <leaderbutnotfriend> and <usedtobefriend>. <Senateoffice> and <proudofhim> would be nice. Kick in the butt worth a thousand words. <mathfriend> would be tough but he’s not very involved, shows <leaderbutnotfreinds> lack of hold. He’s way more bluster than you think.

For me this is Test of Cohesion test of pull – if he’s unable to provide a MUST it will be interesting, because it will confirm lack of reach. And that’s not a bad thing.

I guess I stopped drinking the coolaid. I’m ready to see the cracks, the desperations, the unknowns. Frack. BAck to watching the show.

I mean I’d rather see the problems, I’d rather there be something to build. I’d rather it’d be scarred. I really don’t enjoy the inevitable. I really don’t enjoy the this is it. Same time. I need a rescue plan, not escuses. The fact is I’m insulated, the fact is it’s insulting to watch the different ways to worm into this. Respect my silence, maybe? Respect that I’m done with you for now. I don’t owe you anything, much less a reason, much less an explanation.

Impeach, revoke, no confidence. These are words and I never said I wanted to talk.

Failure, sure, that’s what this is. Running away, walking away, giving it away, letting people down. Yeah yeah, go on. Your lack of respect for me means we’ve got something in common.

I miss her still. And you weren’t there for me then. Does anything else matter. I see their happy smiling faces, I hear his condescending “let it go” and I see the looks as I drink away the ‘best thing that’s ever happened to me’. We both know what happens to em. No, no pilots. He’s not going through this twice. He’s not going through this twice.

there’s a civilian family. She has a little girl. If anything happens to us. I’ll see to it. Katie katie katie.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

July 10th – A begging to an end

so I think I need to get back into this.

Reasons why include that I’m starting to find instability stability in my life. Or to put it another way, I think I want to lose it. Totally, nuts, lose it. Unhinged. Perhaps I’m there anyway, but I guess I feel like there’s very little to lose.

I’m beginning to become more and more and more convinced there’s nothing or very little to lose. And by to lose I mean there’s not much at stake. What’s at stake? My reputation? My future? What?

I guess I don’t really care about my future or about regret or about anything. ANYTHING. Or it’s not that I don’t care it’s that there’s very little risk or at risk or value? It’s unclear.

But let me put it this way, I guess previously, in my life, I saw myself and then I saw the world. And I saw myself acting to the world and shaping the world and ultimately somehow taking responsibility for the world. Someone shaping or somehow eliciting or somehow effecting the world.

To put it in a force diagram ME = > WORLD.

BUT NO

That’s not how it is at all. Actually. I’m in a much more eastern, much more World focused type of view. I’m starting to see and really appreciated how much I am just IN the world.

OR

WORLD (ME)

And see, there’s obviously a finite time of that. And yes, I could spend that time in all sorts of pursuits. You know, ACTING On the world.

ME >= FIX = > WORLD

OR ME => THINGS

OR ME => OFFSPRING

OR all these things.

BUT BUT BUT that really doesn’t encompass my joy, my chi, my vocation, which, and I’m seeing this more and more, is to wonder.

To put it another way I LOVE WORLD(ME). I love to be inside of the world! To explore it’s cracks and it’s crannies.

I WANT WORLD => ME.

I WANT THAT.

And does anything else matter? Do other people matter?

Well in Me => World yes, yes they do, because to => you need help, you need others to agree (through love of you or your idea or through coercion i.e. fear of you or your idea). That’s how change works, i’m not a wizard or a god or a demi god or a demi glase. One can’t snap their fingers and do things.

And it makes sense why I have these fantasies about doing that, about flexing and the Matrix bending around me. BUT THAT’S NOT THE WAY IT WORKS.

My 210 lbs of carbon and assorted elements * isn’t built to do that. And I guess one can aspire and coerce and seduce and someday be Barack Obama or Theodore Roosevelt and accomplish good things and win the meddles and everything. But the world doesn’t change man, it doesn’t. I mean it does a bit, it does on the margins, and don’t get me wrong the margins matter.

BUT THE WORLD IS SO HUGE AND IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL AND MARVELOUS.

And bygum I know this is 100% my white male priveleage talking and if I was some subsistent farmer is sub sarahan africa I couldn’t be sitting my undies in a house my parents bought writing on the internet about how I want to just BE and how nothings matters, but FUCK I’M not and soo I’m supposed to pretend that I am or that I’m constrained by what Sub Sarahan Subsistent Farmer Scott would be thinking and doing right now? I mean FUCK man?

You think these guys, these Me => World guys are out there tiptoeing and thinking “Jeeze my privelage really is a burden” FUCK NO. But maybe they want their => to make the world better, you know, give subsarahansusistentasshole his shot, his undies and internet and house.

BUt really, i mean really, let’s not kid ourselves right, let’s not kid ourselves that the persistent structural and technical and cultural and everythingelical problems are going to be fixed by =>. I mean come on, really? So that’s a form of solipsism a bit, isn’t it? It’s selfish in a nasty good feel good about yourself type of way.

And I mean cause => doesn’t fix it (although again, the margins, which matter, but still, not enough to change all the everythingelical problems) isn’t it juts about sleeping well at night? Or maybe it’s just about the Margins!

AND if it’s just about the margins, and if it’s just about the margins, then WHY CAN’T I WORLD(ME) and worry about the margins!!>!@#

Whay cant’ I?

So this is my manifesto, this is my etre. Tear down your reason, tear down our meaning. We are constrained by one thing my friends and one thing only and that is physics. Everything else is the margins. And eventually we’ll come to the end of our t dimension but until then enjoy the x,y,z.

* oh jesus really? is it 8th grade again? i’m making chemistry references. please stop me

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment